Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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