You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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