I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
