Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
