Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
