I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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