The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize