I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
