when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
