i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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