In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
