If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize