Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
