Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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