There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
