he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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