You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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