Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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