I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
