That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
then he tried to convert me to islam
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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