my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
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