if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
