We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
