Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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