I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
