youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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