I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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