someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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