listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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