1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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