I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
