So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
