it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
