apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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