I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
