Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
handjob tips. give me some.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
