im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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