I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
