Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
