i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
