in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
