You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
