I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
