We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
