EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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