She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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