I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
