The maid of honor just puked.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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