I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize