The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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