You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
