He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
