They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
