wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
