Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
