Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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