Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
