just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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