I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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