She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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