Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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