Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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