How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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