Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize