It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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