Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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