Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize