he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize