I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
