You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
