well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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