im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
