the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
