well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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