Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
