Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
